Posts Tagged ‘Panic’

Last Saturday was my snapping point.

I had been inside Grant Searcey’s studio, enveloped in cool air conditioning, when he received a text from my wife asking me to call her.

I went upstairs and stepped outside into the scorching sun around 3:30 in the afternoon. It felt like I had been hit by a hadouken because of the summer time heat waves. I called my wife, she was frantically buying excellent seats for The Tension Tour (Nine Inch Nails) coming to Atlanta in November so I talked to her for no longer than five minutes.

hadouken tattoo

Afterwards, I went into the store next to Searcey Underground and bought a drink to cool down.

I went back down to continue my visit with Grant. After a few minutes I noticed my thoughts were racing again. They kept racing for the rest of the day.

cuckoo2On Sunday morning my thoughts were still rapid firing. I called the Georgia Mental Health Crisis Center to ask what I should do. They told me that if in a few hours my thoughts had not calmed down that I should visit an emergency room.

So around 3pm I couldn’t get my thoughts to slow down so I asked my wife to take me for a car ride towards the hospital with two goals in mind. 1. I was praying that by riding in a fast moving car, my fast moving thoughts would counter react and slow down, and if that failed than 2. I would end my car trip at the hospital that I knew I needed to visit. I ended up in the E.R. after all.

After spending time in seclusion at the hospital I was given 2 options:

  1. Call and make an appointment with my psychiatrist as soon as possible, but continue to deal with the chaos in my head. It was the option that I wanted to do.
  2. Go to Laurelwood Mental Health Hospital to be evaluated and have my medicines reconfigured, on the site, while I stayed for at least 72 hours. It was the option that I needed to do.

I choose to do the right thing after making a quick phone call to my wife and conferring it with her.

I stayed at the Hospital from Sunday night until Friday afternoon.

I slept the entire day on the second day I was there, as well as the two last days. I would only wake up and take part in the mandatory groups, getting my vitals checked, having my blood drawn, and going to breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

On the days I was awake however I had a pretty good time. It’s amazing how easy it is for me to make friends with any type of person when they have hit a similar bottom line that I have. The food at the Hospital was also some of the best tasting I have had in a long time, and they make you eat three times a day. I had the world’s best meatloaf while I was there.

It seemed to help in going to Laurelwood. They took me off of 3 milligrams Invega and put me on 20 milligrams Geodon, The Geodon raised my Depakote level to over 100 so they dropped me down to where I now take only 1500 milligrams of those.

When I came home I took a quick nap with my wife and daughter. When we all woke up and after we ate dinner my wife went to fill my new pills at our pharmacy. It turns out that the Geodon I was prescribed isn’t covered by either Medicaid or Medicare which are my only forms of insurance. The generic price for what I was prescribed costs around 400 dollars, I bring in only 800 a month in disability and I have a wife and daughter to take care of. So now I am stuck waiting until I can get a hold of my psychiatrist to hopefully help me obtain the pills, or choose a similar pill that is covered, that I can afford.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest 19

Kinda how I felt leaving Laurelwood

This Blog entry may not be up to par with my usual style. It may seem more harsh and rushed, and to be honest I pretty much just wrote from the heart and only reread it one time. I only added one word after reading my draft, and didn’t really spellcheck. Believe me my next blog will stand up better, but I just want to blast this one out to let my few followers know that I am still going to continue writing this Blog and that I hadn’t stopped. On the flip side I am thinking about starting a fiction novel, probably dealing deep in the Post Apocalyptic meets Steampunk world.

me singing on stage

That’s Big Wig on my arm!

Before my Chronic Pain started happening I was the lead singer of a Death Metal band. We weren’t known or anything, but we could fill a club. The way I got the gig was by showing off my vocals while the band played a song they had written. They all had nice amps and some mean looking drums. I didn’t even have a mic. We played a couple shows live and then my pain crept in. I could no longer perform any more, to try to sing actually hurt.

Now, I have written that in order to talk about my conditions today.

Over the weekend I was hanging out with some of my friends, both with their own unique characteristics. One is a typical badass biker dude. He has tattoos, plug piercings and every room he enters seems as if there is a bottle of Jim Beam. His voice is also so loud that the insides of my skull rattles when he breathes and explodes when he talks. My other friend is not quite a hipster, college educated and an amazing artist. He also owns his own business and is married, the complete opposite of my other friend previously mentioned. My friend, the artist, doesn’t talk that much, unless you spark the conversation. When he does decide to have an exchange of words, it is in a mild manner.

Both of them are awesome.

But I can only handle the first guy for a few hours at a time. After a while his voice just seems to raise in volume, either that or my ears begin to wear down. I want to keep talking with him, but I feel so exhausted. Before, back in my Death Metal days, I would have been able to handle him and even go around town and party. Now, fatigue sets in to the point where I just have to come home and sleep.

Lately, during a conversation my brain will almost always tell me when I should end and/or leave a conversation. If I try to ignore those feelings and continue on withconversation, my thoughts begin to race. When all of those problems combine it makes me irritable, having a high likelihood of lashing out. Not because I am mad at anyone, but because I am mad of the symptoms related to my Multiple Sclerosis.

It’s not just individual people that bother me. I can no longer be around crowds without the intense feeling of anxiety and panic. Remember when I stated how my band could fill a club full of people? Now imagine that, but place me front and center with the spotlight on…remember I am the lead vocalist. My Multiple Sclerosis has lead me to have such high anxiety levels that being around a crowd of five or more people can really put me onedge, and that’s without them not even noticing I’m there. If they are loud, have high energy, or are giddy it makes it ten times worse. Also, if we have the tables turned, there are tons of bands that I still want to see live. For example, Nine Inch Nails is coming to Atlanta soon, and I really want to see them, but it’s in a concert venue where there will be a ton of people.  The volume of the band, mixed with the cheers of the audience is probably enough to set me off and make me want to leave before the show even starts….. we’ll see.


Does sound affect you? Would you rather have the noise cancelling headphones on just to mute everyone out, even if you don’t use them for audio? Do you want to slap giddy teenagers? Leave a comment and we can discuss why the world thinks we are crazy!

idk what were yelling about

How can anyone seriously watch Nancy Grace or Jane Velez-Mitchell? Let me explain.

Today (6/12/2013) I woke up ok. I was even feeling a little better than usual without any need of extra medicine. My daughter was dressed and watching Alice in Wonderland around 7:15am. As she waited for her ride to take her to Bible School I came into my bedroom and played some music. At first I listened to some Post Metal/Hardcore,  then some Progressive Metal. After a few minutes my anxiety had risen to the point of driving me crazy. I tried entering the words Relax, then Chill on my 8tracks Windows 8 app and tried to listen to something soothing. Nothing seemed to calm me down. At this point my daughter was back home and sleeping so I decided to take a nap.

I don’t know if it pertains to what was happening but as I was panicking I kept putting on more clothes. I live a little north of Atlanta. Georgia and most normal people would be wearing shorts and short sleeve shirts at this time. I was wearing a hoody and sweat pants before I climbed in to bed pulling two blankets over me.

I slept from 2pm until 7pm.

When I woke up I walked into the front room where I found my daughter and wife. My baby girl was playing with Legos and Spiderman Squinkies. My wife was sitting up on the edge of the couch looking frazzled. We had had a scary day yesterday where we had to rush our daughter to the hospital because she was breaking out due to an allergic reaction. After all of that sleep I was still having some sort of an anxiety attack but I traded places with my wife so that she could get some truly deserved sleep.

We live with my wife’s parents. The Multiple Sclerosis and pain has made it so I can no longer work. My wife can not find a job in this small city we live in, but even if she could she has to do a lot with just being a mother, and a care giver for me. My wife is in school so we may still have a bright future, but today we barely take home any money.

So as I am sitting in our little front room where my daughter is playing all I hear is what my wife’s dad is watching. Which happens to be Nancy Grace.

I’m sure she is getting really heated because of Jodi Arias, or Trayvon Martin, or Teen Pregnancy,, or why balloons make a squeaky sound when you rub them real hard. It is so loud and obnoxious that it is deafening and maddening. Why does she feel the need to yell everything she says? Football coaches are quieter than her, during the Super Bowl! Another fact is that she invites these guests on her show via satellite, usually two people but sometimes up to five. All she does is try to force her opinion down on these people. If the person stands their ground and voices their opinion then it turns into an over the air catfight of who is the loudest voice of exaggeration of them all. Don’t get me started on Jane Velez-Mitchell. She’s even worse, sometimes she forgets what she is arguing about, and she still continues.

So with my anxiety making my skin crawl I told my daughter that it was bedtime. I told her she could watch a movie or even play a game, just anything so that we could leave the surrounding area of the television’s verbal barrage.

nancy grace

Nancy Grace pretends to eat Subway