Posts Tagged ‘Neurological disorder’

Unfortunately, this post has nothing to do with the late, great James Brown.

It has everything to do with my pain, and my constant irritation. To bolster my negativity even further, I can’t stop complaining. But I need to…

My ongoing words of discontent have led my daughter to join in whenever she wants to relate to me and share my pain. Not that she is hurting, but because she wants me to know that she stands by my side no matter how I feel. She’s only five years old, but my wife reassures me that she picks up on everything. So I have to stop voicing how much agony I am going through.

But it’s hard to even begin to try to stop complaining. If you have MS, or if you know someone with MS, you know that misery is a most definite unchanging attribute in our/their life. There are the good days sure, but I have to seriously force them. Most of the time when I am having a good day it is either cut short because of exhaustion, or pain. I can no longer seem to enjoy myself.

pain pathwayIn the past I have had a terrible problem with my left foot. I can relate to Monell Williams, in the way that it feels like a railroad spike is being driven longways up through the bottom of my foot while the surrounding area catches fire. Once it was so bad that I had my wife take me to the Emergency Room. The nurses and doctors that tried to relieve the pain kept touching my foot, each contact felt more extreme. Finally one nurse had put her fingers on my foot at such a light weight that I could tolerate it. I told her that if she pressed any harder though I would pass out, she replied that she was just checking my heart beat. Their answer to my torture was to feed me more pills and send me home.

I have told my Pain Management doctor everything about my foot. The specialist in charge of the clinic has performed about a dozen nerve injections on me, which none have helped.

I have even undergone a spinal tap, that also didn’t alleviate anything.

Now it is summer time. Anyone who knows a little more than the average person about MS knows that heat and humidity can cause flare ups and relapses. It’s not even July yet, in fact the logo for Google.com is celebrating that it’s the first day of Summer. Yet it already feels like my feet, my left more than my right, are covered in fire ants, are internally bleeding, and are surging with electricity.

feet covered in ants

It’s hard for me to look at this. Ants are my phobia.

Today my daughter asked me for some lunch following her afternoon nap. I wanted to feed her, but I could barely stand up. It hurt to walk, especially across a house with wood floors. My wife has been suffering from a severe toothache for the past week. I was trying to allow her to lie down in hopes that I could take care of our daughter myself, but when my little girl asked for food I had to wake her up. Luckily I was on the computer in the room with my wife.

I felt so guilty that I couldn’t help either one of them.

When my wife came back to lie down I took the opportunity to describe why I couldn’t help, even though I was awake. She understood and fell back to sleep.

Soon afterwards my daughter entered the room and told me that her feet and hands hurt like mine. It disturbs me to hear her say things like that for a few reasons:

  1. I will usually believe anything my daughter tells me unless it’s outlandish. I’ve had a ton of people in my life, doctors and family, not believe I was hurting only to find out I’m disease ridden. So it scares me to think that she may truly have the same problems.
  2. It makes me think that I either talk about, or even complain about, my MS entirely too much. So much that she thinks that pain and suffering is a normal thing.

Now my wife and I have taken the time to discuss my problems, and how I am still ok, with my daughter on numerous occasions. But it never fails, she still worries that I am very hurt, sometimes to the point of dying soon. She is also afraid for me whenever it is time for me to visit the doctors, even though we have tried to reassure her that doctors are our friends (A little white lie never hurt anyone right?).

So starting now, I am going to challenge myself to be more positive. Try my best to “get on the good foot”, even though I have real bad feet. Wish me luck in lasting at least a week long.

But what do you think?

Are you also a chronic complainer? Do you never complain and instead enjoy life? What are some tips you use to make yourself feel better? Do you think I have damaged my baby girl’s psyche? Hook a brother up with some replies and we can jive about ya feels, ya dig?

James+Brown+jamesbrowngettingdown

R.I.P. Godfather!

I wrote the majority of this blog yesterday (6/20/2013) but instead of finishing it I feel asleep. So in not posting this yesterday it allowed me to find some pictures (Yes I know that the ants on the feet picture is cliche and overused) and it also allowed me to insert some links. Depending on how exhausted I become today I will attempt to make another post for today.
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me singing on stage

That’s Big Wig on my arm!

Before my Chronic Pain started happening I was the lead singer of a Death Metal band. We weren’t known or anything, but we could fill a club. The way I got the gig was by showing off my vocals while the band played a song they had written. They all had nice amps and some mean looking drums. I didn’t even have a mic. We played a couple shows live and then my pain crept in. I could no longer perform any more, to try to sing actually hurt.

Now, I have written that in order to talk about my conditions today.

Over the weekend I was hanging out with some of my friends, both with their own unique characteristics. One is a typical badass biker dude. He has tattoos, plug piercings and every room he enters seems as if there is a bottle of Jim Beam. His voice is also so loud that the insides of my skull rattles when he breathes and explodes when he talks. My other friend is not quite a hipster, college educated and an amazing artist. He also owns his own business and is married, the complete opposite of my other friend previously mentioned. My friend, the artist, doesn’t talk that much, unless you spark the conversation. When he does decide to have an exchange of words, it is in a mild manner.

Both of them are awesome.

But I can only handle the first guy for a few hours at a time. After a while his voice just seems to raise in volume, either that or my ears begin to wear down. I want to keep talking with him, but I feel so exhausted. Before, back in my Death Metal days, I would have been able to handle him and even go around town and party. Now, fatigue sets in to the point where I just have to come home and sleep.

Lately, during a conversation my brain will almost always tell me when I should end and/or leave a conversation. If I try to ignore those feelings and continue on withconversation, my thoughts begin to race. When all of those problems combine it makes me irritable, having a high likelihood of lashing out. Not because I am mad at anyone, but because I am mad of the symptoms related to my Multiple Sclerosis.

It’s not just individual people that bother me. I can no longer be around crowds without the intense feeling of anxiety and panic. Remember when I stated how my band could fill a club full of people? Now imagine that, but place me front and center with the spotlight on…remember I am the lead vocalist. My Multiple Sclerosis has lead me to have such high anxiety levels that being around a crowd of five or more people can really put me onedge, and that’s without them not even noticing I’m there. If they are loud, have high energy, or are giddy it makes it ten times worse. Also, if we have the tables turned, there are tons of bands that I still want to see live. For example, Nine Inch Nails is coming to Atlanta soon, and I really want to see them, but it’s in a concert venue where there will be a ton of people.  The volume of the band, mixed with the cheers of the audience is probably enough to set me off and make me want to leave before the show even starts….. we’ll see.

BUT WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Does sound affect you? Would you rather have the noise cancelling headphones on just to mute everyone out, even if you don’t use them for audio? Do you want to slap giddy teenagers? Leave a comment and we can discuss why the world thinks we are crazy!

idk what were yelling about