Pain & Panic due to Volume Overload

Posted: June 18, 2013 in War Journals
Tags: , , , , , , , ,
me singing on stage

That’s Big Wig on my arm!

Before my Chronic Pain started happening I was the lead singer of a Death Metal band. We weren’t known or anything, but we could fill a club. The way I got the gig was by showing off my vocals while the band played a song they had written. They all had nice amps and some mean looking drums. I didn’t even have a mic. We played a couple shows live and then my pain crept in. I could no longer perform any more, to try to sing actually hurt.

Now, I have written that in order to talk about my conditions today.

Over the weekend I was hanging out with some of my friends, both with their own unique characteristics. One is a typical badass biker dude. He has tattoos, plug piercings and every room he enters seems as if there is a bottle of Jim Beam. His voice is also so loud that the insides of my skull rattles when he breathes and explodes when he talks. My other friend is not quite a hipster, college educated and an amazing artist. He also owns his own business and is married, the complete opposite of my other friend previously mentioned. My friend, the artist, doesn’t talk that much, unless you spark the conversation. When he does decide to have an exchange of words, it is in a mild manner.

Both of them are awesome.

But I can only handle the first guy for a few hours at a time. After a while his voice just seems to raise in volume, either that or my ears begin to wear down. I want to keep talking with him, but I feel so exhausted. Before, back in my Death Metal days, I would have been able to handle him and even go around town and party. Now, fatigue sets in to the point where I just have to come home and sleep.

Lately, during a conversation my brain will almost always tell me when I should end and/or leave a conversation. If I try to ignore those feelings and continue on withconversation, my thoughts begin to race. When all of those problems combine it makes me irritable, having a high likelihood of lashing out. Not because I am mad at anyone, but because I am mad of the symptoms related to my Multiple Sclerosis.

It’s not just individual people that bother me. I can no longer be around crowds without the intense feeling of anxiety and panic. Remember when I stated how my band could fill a club full of people? Now imagine that, but place me front and center with the spotlight on…remember I am the lead vocalist. My Multiple Sclerosis has lead me to have such high anxiety levels that being around a crowd of five or more people can really put me onedge, and that’s without them not even noticing I’m there. If they are loud, have high energy, or are giddy it makes it ten times worse. Also, if we have the tables turned, there are tons of bands that I still want to see live. For example, Nine Inch Nails is coming to Atlanta soon, and I really want to see them, but it’s in a concert venue where there will be a ton of people.  The volume of the band, mixed with the cheers of the audience is probably enough to set me off and make me want to leave before the show even starts….. we’ll see.

BUT WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Does sound affect you? Would you rather have the noise cancelling headphones on just to mute everyone out, even if you don’t use them for audio? Do you want to slap giddy teenagers? Leave a comment and we can discuss why the world thinks we are crazy!

idk what were yelling about

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