My Delirious Battle with Consciousness.

Posted: June 14, 2013 in War Journals
Tags: , , , , , , ,


Again I have slept through out the important part of the day. The part of the day where everyone I love is awake and would like for me to join them.
I hate this. I wish I could change this. But I just can’t come to grips with any normal sleeping pattern.
Today I continue with my brand new case of anxiety. My wife worded it better though, instead of anxiety I think I may be having a bout of Delirium. Maybe it is just a strange instance of Mania.
As far as the delirium is concerned I have almost every symptom except for the old age factor.

  • Cognitive Impairment (Because of my MS)
  • Physical Comorbidity (Because of my MS)
  • Psychiatric Comorbidity (Not only do I have MS, but I have Depression. Though I am not really depressed I am more angry than anything. Before finding out that I was suffering from MS I had spent two weeks in a mental institution because of how I was treating my loved ones. I also wanted to hurt every doctor that couldn’t help me, which I now know that there is no doctor that can.)
  • Sensory impairment (My eyes are going bad, it’s a fact. The way I even found out I had MS was by visiting an Ophthalmologist after a concert where I couldn’t make out the band members. But that’s not all, I am also losing my sense of normal feeling. My hands and feet are both numb. I am typing all of what I am writing on my blog even though I own the Dragon Software on this computer. The reason I am doing that is because I want to stay as connected as possible to a tangible world for as long as I can.)
  • Functional dependence (I rarely stand up. The only times I get up during the day, during a normal period where my MS isn’t bothering me as bad, is to play with my daughter, give my wife a hug or to use the bathroom. If I go somewhere outside of the house I usually have to make sure that I can be seated wherever I go. The last trip my family took I had to be wheeled through the airport in a wheelchair.)
  • Dehydration / Malnutrition (Not only do I have MS, Chronic Pain, and Depression, I also have Diabetes. I also do not eat or drink how the doctors tell me I should. I drink out of those large cups you can buy at any gas station and most of the time it is water. But there are times when I just want to have a Sprite or a Sweet Tea. I also enjoy my Oreos more than I should.)
  • Drugs and drug-dependence (I am only going to say that I fall under this label because of all of the pills I must take every day because of all of the sicknesses I have. As far as recreational drugs go, other than caffeine,  I don’t do them, I don’t even smoke pot.)
  • Alcohol dependence (This can go along with the Old Age factor. I don’t drink, and if I do it is only an apple cider or two throughout the week.)

I am awake now at 5:37 in the morning.With no one around me.

My wife and daughter are sleeping over at a friend of theirs house.

My thoughts are racing.

My wife says I should listen to some relaxing music, but I can’t. Every noise, no matter the volume, is bothering me. Even the fan in my computer, allowing me to write out my racing thoughts, is making me feel panicked. And when I feel overwhelmed I fall back into the old MS cure of sleeping (that’s why this post is so late, I was supposed to post this yesterday). Now there are birds chirping outside my window, unlike everyone else that enjoys that type of sound, I am analyzing it and noticing how out of sync with itself that it is.

Dali clock melting
  1. I wish I could offer you some advice, but I have nothing other than this is a nightmare. Meditation helps me when I can’t stop the thoughts and I find myself doing 5 things at once, all badly. I can’t say I do it “well” but it forces me into one place, stops all the projects, slows the mental chatter and gets me a little peace. But I am sorry from the bottom of my heart for the sleep disturbances. They are so hard. And why isn’t there anything on TV at 4am?

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